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Thursday, January 19, 2006 - Safwan
Monday, January 09, 2006 - Conservative Cabinet Revealed
by Rick Mercer

Many sports fans spend their days building fantasy football or baseball teams. Likewise there are a handful of nerds out there who create fantasy cabinets. I do this all the time. I often kill time at the airport compiling my dream cabinet in the back of a scribbler. This week for example my dream cabinet would contain John Crosbie, Geddy Lee and Justin Pogge. Luckily for the Nation I will never choose a cabinet so we will never know what kind of damage I could wreak on the country.

I have it on very good authority however that Stephen Harper is spending a lot of time playing the game these days. Word is the back room on the Harper bus resembles the woodshed from A Beautiful Mind; the walls are littered with the names of potential conservative cabinet ministers. Luckily my secret mole in the Tory Campaign (Tom Flannagan) has been taking photos of the notes with his hand held palm device and forwarding me the information on a daily basis. This is what the Tory Cabinet looks like so far.

Rondo Thomas - Minister in Charge of Holy Wars
"The facts don't matter."
- Rondo Thomas, Conservative candidate (Ajax-Pickering)

Stockwell Day - Minister of Foreign Affairs
Stockwell Day is perhaps the most experienced and most talented member on the Conservative front bench.
Stockwell is currently Foreign Affairs critic for the Conservative Party and he has done a bang-up job. When he was questioned as to why his party did not offer condolences to the Palestinians when Yasser Arafat died Stock responded by sending out a column by David Frum that speculated that Yasser died of AIDS. With Stock representing Canada on the world stage can Peace in the Middle East be far away?

Jason Kenney - Minister of Health
Jason Kenney is an embarrassment of riches for the conservative party. He is one of Stephen Harper's most trusted lieutenants and is experienced, well-liked and hirsute. He is perfectly suited to a mélange of cabinet positions, and while he has a grasp on all the issues health seems to be his forte.

"I do support the idea of private health care."
- Jason Kenney, Conservative Party critic on Canada-U.S. Relations, October 31st 2000.

Rob Anders - Minister of State (Multiculturalism)
Rob Anders is the guy to reach out to Canada's diverse multicultural communities.

"Nelson Mandela is a terrorist."
- Rob Anders

"Rob is a true reformer and a true conservative. He has been a faithful supporter of mine and I am grateful for his work."
- Stephen Harper endorsing Calgary West Conservative MP Rob Anders

Vic Toews - Minister of Justice
Vic is the current Justice Critic and he takes the bull by the horns. He believes the notwithstanding clause should be used to override minority rights. He calls it the "ultimate tool" and so it is. The notwithstanding clause can be used to take away the rights of gay people to marry each other or the rights of the Chinese to drive. If you're white and straight the chance of this being used against you are slim to none. This is for uppity minorities only. In case of emergency uppity-ness please break glass.

Minister of Citizenship and Immigration - Art Hanger
"Immigrants are choking welfare systems, contributing to high unemployment, and many cannot read."
- Conservative MP Art Hanger

Myron Thompson - Minister of State (Youth Justice)
"Let's lower the age to ten."
- Conservative MP Myron Thompson, commenting on the age at which he believes one should be tried as an adult, at a Vernon, BC meeting.

David Sweet - Minister responsible for the Status of Women
"There's a particular reason why Jesus called men only. It's not that women aren't co-participators. It's because Jesus knew women would naturally follow. Men, on the other hand, had to be called."
- Conservative Candidate David Sweet former President & CEO of Promise Keepers Canada

Brian Fitzpatrick -Minister of Indian Affairs and Northern Development
"You can't scalp me because I haven't got much hair on top of my head."
- Conservative Candidate Brian Fitzpatrick

Darrel Reid - Minister responsible for the Canadian Wheat Board
"I think every Christian's under an obligation to change laws to reflect biblical values. Different Christians are going to try to change different laws, according to the call God gives them. You see Christians in all political parties. That reflects different understandings of what God's call is to us. That's a healthy thing. If the yeast congregates in one part of the loaf, it makes for pretty bad bread."
- Conservative Candidate Darrel Reid former president of Focus on The Family Canada

Cheryl Gallant - Women's Caucus Chair
"We saw that young American having his head cut off. What's happening, what is happening down there no different." - Conservative MP Cheryl Gallant (Renfrew-Nipissing-Pembroke) at a 2004 pro-life rally on Parliament Hill, comparing abortion to the beheading of American Nicolas Berg by insurgents in Iraq

Of course this is just a fraction of what the final cabinet will look like. Harper will have to come up with another 25 cabinet ministers....
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